do u miss yesterday?


comatose
(unfinished)

woosh..

in the cusp of blossom,
the tulips are frozen,
inanimate

the rain has stopped
the clouds are drifting away,
almost unveiling the sun

the scent of spring
clings on to the air,
the smell that awakens your lethargic mind

the symphony orchestra is held in a fermata, awaiting
an expressione dolce movement.
the conductor's baton, floating in mid-air

mi lady, her countenance,
porcelain-lucent
-almost- smiles

the traffic lights at dusk-
its lights are caught at a moment
in between green and amber

the sprinter-
his right foot is about the touch the ground
suspended in mid-air

it would seem, the
world would be imprisoned, in
this torture of being held, at
the precipice of the realisation of beauty and movement


anderson's of denmark is just-- heavenly..
go try it.. now! :)

they're having an offer currently, the sundae costs only 5 bucks!

danish nougat...
rum n rasin...
double chocolate...
blueberry...
macademia cream...
hazelnut...

...need i say more?



Of lights and lenses

tonight, as i stare into the night,
i wonder if
you, at another place and time, can
see the same picturesque canvas

if we lived at places that are worlds apart, then
i would suggest that perhaps
they must revolve around an axis, and
the axis, might well be the sky

why? a whimsical dream, one would suggest
just mad. another would dismiss
but the sky, the sky!
look-

au contraire!

material possessions give you instant gratification
but they are coated with a certain indescribable gloss
that make people selfish and hedonistic, which
in turn gives birth to avarice

But the sky provides me with an inexplicable gush of comforting warmth
the sky, like a canvas, is constantly changing
its shape and form
almost, in perpetual randomization

it is a feeling that i want to share with you, and everyone else

lucent, the sky is illuminated by the glow of the moonlight
clouds, like tangible wisps of the soft dulcet of your voice, form
a myriad of shapes, that like bookmarks, unwittingly cause us to link them
to familiar pictures, forms and feelings

thoughts that are residing in the deep recesses of our mind
are suddenly brought into the spotlight
we recall the days that have passed us..
we realise that life has been much more meaningful than we've ever imagined

for me, staring into the sky is like free-falling off a cliff,
without any harness
where occasionally, i reach out, stretching out my arm,
i can temporarily slow the pace of my fall

imagine: its like a shinkansen(japanese bullet train) travelling at a breakneck velocity
through a subway
occasionally, it abruptly decelerates to move at a snail's pace,
before breaking away to move as quickly as ever
-this occurs a few times, the train slow down and picks up speed: a continuous cycle
Its goes like this:

fast.

s



l



o



w

fast.

s



l



o



w

madness eh? psychedelic, almost.

its like rewinding our lives' video
where occasionally, we find some thoughts that we had placed a bookmark at,
a special occasion, one that is worth remembering
hence it'll go like this: Rewind--pause--Rewind--pause etc..

i run away from civillisation, just to have a better look at the sky
along the way, i starkly remember certain events:

the spokes of the bicycle as an elderly man rode past me, moving in circles,
reminding me of the cycle of life, that no matter what
we've achieved in this present existence
at the end of this sojourn, it'll be all erased, as simple as that
we'll be back where we all started: naked, without a possession and worry to our name

i also saw a frog, parched
and motionless. bone-dry, it has obviously been
dehydrated under the merciless, scorching sun
its significance? we have to constantly find meaningful reasons to live, and inspiration
that will drive us on
without proper motivation and will to live,
we're just wanding around aimlessly,
we're vapid, we're grey grey grey!
! dry dry dry is what we are

then, single-mindedly, i race towards the open space
almost hypnotised, and seemingly possesseded, i run, oblivious the the occurances around me
the sky has opened
and i'm from time to time unkindly slapped into temporal semi-consious states of mind
by the lead pellets of the sky that fall on my face
Ouch!

i reached the promised land, where i lied down, and numbed all feelings and halting the pace of thought, i stare up
i could feel my worries melting away, and i'm renewed, instilled with vigour and strength

cleansed, and totally at ease, i savoured that wonderful yet indescribable moment

thats why, i wonder if you're watching the same sky as me, tonight.

Touche



an explosion of matter
atoms flung into long distances.

a nova bursts,
it eon-long existence abruptly ends.

light-years away,
its significance, negligible.

**

knowledge of tomorrow takes away a guy's hope
there's but nothing to look forward to

the two persons beside me now are:
loneliness and hopelessness

if we expect nothing from tomorrow,
we wouldn't exactly wait for it anticipation right?

our zest and hunger to live life is borne out of the knowledge that
whatever comes our way,
it'll bring about a challenge,
a significant experience to note down in life's jotter-book

hetrogeneity promises us a different future, however dark and mysterious
inanimation is stifling; it is suffocating; it chains you; it cages you

monotony sucks
bland. trite. cliched.

platitude

**

how i yearn for a dymanic, meaningful life

where everyday, i wake up, filled with adrenaline
eager to face whatever life has in store for me

where everyday, i wake up, looking out of the window
in a different climate and location

where everyday, when i leave my abode
i meet different people that'll enrich my life with their experience

**

our intellectual and imaginative resource have to be fed
but if we're traped in daily monotony and routine,
how are we able to expand the horizons of our mind and soul?

our thoughts consists of only horizontal and vertical grey lines in stasis
but in a vivacious, dynamic , vivid environment,
it has curves of every conceivable shape, in impossible colours

our imagination is fed, through our sense
they serve as funnels, channeling what we see, feel, smell, taste and hear
into our minds, enriching it, increase our sensitivity, making us fully alive

so if we wake up everyday and what we see are of the same drap contours-
similar landscapes, routine paths, familiarity everywhere
just where do we turn to seek for inspiration?

many people today, living in a plastic, artificial man-made habitat
turn to material goods to obtain pleasure-
as a substitute for the pure pleasure that can be only extracted from mother nature

yucks.
its like substituting rubber for meat

"ever felt your hair raise when u travel through a picturesque landscape,
filled with things that are in the area of the unfamiliar,
struck by the beauty and peacefulness, yet undescribable with mere words"

most people today, perhaps unaware of it, are void of life and zeal
their minds filled with self-proclaimed "knowledge"
yet their souls vapid; their hearts hollow

chase your dreams
challenge conventions

be the human being fully alive
search for the reason for your existence on earth

live life the way you want it to be.


Julian



hi everybody! its been a long time since my last entry.. i'm not sure exactly what to type, so the contents of this entry will be created by impulse, i'm typing as my thoughts come out..


Tonight, when i stare into the sky,
i wonder..

it is shaded by clouds,
but it surely isn't overcast.

unable to see beyond the clouds,
i wait. i wait..

memories of the last few days flash through my mind
slowly, painfully, i recollect my thoughts

melancholic, i turn to the sky for solace
staring at it, i seek answers to unanswered questions.

the clouds move in a direction
changing its form as it passes

to aptly describe its shape,
is limited only by our imagination.

briefly, the clouds clear,
revealing what's hidden beyond

stars, like precious gemstones
etched in the the wall of the sky

everyday,
the constellations of the stars are different

our lives are just but a compilation of moments.
and often, these are fleeting moments

it is in letting that we can move on
we've have to lose to gain

sometimes, we yearn for a vast visual memomy in our minds,
able to capture every delightful moment,
to savour over and over again later..

this is quite impossible
however, we are able to remember some of these moments..
as they're so precious to us, we hold them close, like a child his lolly


--if only we're always able to slow the pace of our lives , to properly savour the beauty of it--


oblivious to the surroundings, i travel alone
solitude, what joy and respite it brings to me

i'm occupied with myself, and myself only
i'm beside myself

looking out of the window, it is raining
i observed how the raindrops fall onto the road,
forming sheets of water that flow into the gullies
the ripples that form and move out in concentric circles,
after the water cushioned the fall of the raindrops

my attention then switches onto the glass window pane
what i saw certainly has parallelism to my mindscape

as the rain hits the glass, the droplets of water then begins to flow down the glass,
each taking its own path

some of these droplets move close to each other
the closeness varies as they migrate downwards

some of these water droplets merges, to form bigger droplets that flow faster
some of these merger droplets split when they encounter a dry area of the glass

some never meet, flowing down vastly different paths

similarly, in life, each of us has his/her own path
sometimes our paths come into close approximity, and while it might be only transient,
we appreciate the moments we spend together
friendship never dies

sometimes, some paths even mergers, in tangible context, people call it love
here, the paths of two different people interweave and revolve around each other..

in the arduous journey of life,
the people we meet bring much comfort, respite and joy
-that empowers us to be stronger, more determined
they share their lives with us, enriching our imagination
-inspiring us to reach greater heights

the path of life is a lonely one


Julian



my prelims ended last week.. just finished writing a testimonial for my friend, hope she likes it!

hmmm although i only put 30% into my prelims, there are certainly positives that i can gain from it.. for one, it was the 1st time in about one year i actually sat for a paper! hence it was a considerable effort, in that respect.. i've finally garnered sufficient courage to sit for an exam, knowing even at the back of my mind, that i'll not do well.. so what i'm gonna do, which perhaps everyone else will do, is to be motivated by fragments, parts of the prelims that i did considerably well..

i think as the prelims bore on, i felt some improvement in my thinking speed and depth, as well as sharpness.. so i expect that i'll do better for the later papers.. skills as basic as handwriting and writing speed showed marked improvements too.. i know that my prelims was quite badly done, so i'm not going to be discouraged by whatever grades i get, instead, like i said above, there surely are positive aspects in the worst of grades, so for me, the prelims, other than being a "wake-up call", it also is a time for reflection.. mistakes that i've made in the past year, goals that i've set, good pieces of work--everything just comes back to me..

i guess our brains, with its inextricable network of nerves, work best when the 'links" between these nerves are tightened and tension exist.. when our minds are fine-tuned, our thinking would naturally be faster, and because our mind is so sharp and alert, there is little avenues for mistakes and errors.. from now till the A's, we must seek to strenghten and sharpen our minds, so that it'll work at its optimal level in the end..

now is not the time to dwell and wallow on the past.. we must pick ourselves up if we're hurt in any way, or continue the good work, for the those of us that have been consistently hardworking.. now, there's only one aim, one goal, one objection, one target: the A's.. nothing else can take precedence from now..



Grasp

sand flowing through our fingers
it'll be never be the same again

when the moment came
i hesitated

the opportune window arrived
i was afraid

but now you're gone
i'm chasing shadows


you epitomised joy

you were the encapsulation of my feelings

you were my bottled sunshine


so near yet so far
absence makes the heart grow fonder
but it can't bring you back

i watch from afar,
brimmed with regret
if only i could reverse time..


Julian







was scolded, criticised and insulted by gail ng today.. feeling quite depressed now.. haix.. sigh.. perhaps it was good for me, maybe what she said would dull the edge of my pride and sharpen the edge of my humility..

my teachers are constantly encouraging me to study and work hard to fulfill my potential.. not one of them has given up on me.. so why am i so short of confidence and will? some of my classmates even asked my to do my best, as it'd be good for the class as a whole, because they hope that through me, they could have something to work towards: a goal, an aim.. but its like even i'm like just coming to grips to my academic load now.. haha the chinese saying goes: zhi4 shen2 nan2 pao3..

why am i letting everyone down? my parents, my brothers, my teachers, bro paul, my friends who believe in me.. is it so damn hard to sit down on the table everyday to put 2 meaningful hours into my work? how do i get rid of this sloth in me? help!

where's my usual bashful, assertive and confident self?
changes have to be made, and made now..

i've to start believing in myself.. :)

i wanna prove all my doubters WRONG!
i want them to eat their own words

give me strength, to realise my potential
i've been in hibernation too long
time to wake up and put things back to normal
julian tan is back!

i hope when i come back to this blog, i bring back good news!

looking towards investiture on friday with much anticipation!

au revoir




Hangman

life,
like a candle
burning brightly
brimming-
with life, hope, fancy and imagination

yet,
dangers, ever present
threaten at every instant
effacement at its whim & fancy
immolation

rope

dawn.
a new beginning?

rather,
the start of the end

ponder, reflection
what could have been

man playing god
diseased humanity.

futile, desperate efforts
in trying to recapture his life's memories
chasing the wind
lost

knot

flashback
images flitting past him

culminating in a whirl
he is in the vortex

fragments, pieces
memories-

zip pass him
life is passing by him

a burst of brightness
images, motions & the inanimate
appear, crystal-clear
surrounding him like a wide-screen theatre

noose

the fragility of life
the vulnerability of it

he prepares himself
he gives away everything he has-

emotional attachments
material happiness

death, the great leveller
homogeneity in peace

the platform releases
the hole swallows him

a stealthy serpent
slither-slither..

slit.

the claws of death
drawing at every moment
the wisps of life


asphyxiation.


Julian Tan


"Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard.
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come."
William Shakespeare's Julius Caesar



hmm its good sometimes to know your audience..
i wonder who are the visitors to my weblog.. :-)
perhaps leave a remark on the tagboard on the right? hehe
-julian


love in a life, life in a love

night falls
everyone are warmly bundled up their homes..

just another day in november
another chilly night

the town is in standstill
suspended animation, stasis--almost

such peacefulness, a charming calm
wonderful respite for the mind..

a sheen of silence
an aura of warmth


when it rains, it pours
especially when we loath it

a stroll away from civilisation
finding myself

searching for food for the soul
exploring my mental faculties


kneeling on undergrowth
a cocktail of emotions

emotionally charged to the brim

critical point--breakdown

whipped by waves of rain, head bowed:

they said if i loved you
i had to let you go

sure, it would be selfish to try to hold on to you
but why is letting go so difficult?

detachment seems like amputation,
--without anesthesia

human emotional attachments,
--cursed

such pain,
--immensely unbearable

why in the first place do people develop feelings for each other?
--philia, agape, eros: nonsense

why do we develop these feelings
when inside us we are aware that one day
it would disintegrate?
is it worth it?

you are long gone
i'm grieving, and grieving alone

recollection of thoughts
a mental walk down memory lane

i lift my head, i look ahead
at your headstone
with such fond tenderness

-why?

if we know that one day,
these attachments would evaporate
why in the first place would we want to develop them?

nothing can bring you back
nobody, nothing, not even yourself

still, you will forever linger in my mind
a constant reminder of the stark cruelty of reality
that we must treasure what we've got
grieve, sorrow and regret can bring nothing back

nothing.

standing up and walking away..
in my strides,
i keep telling myself that i must be strong

in front of everyone
we maintain a strong front
but just how long can we put up a facade?
its just so... so... tiring..

inevitably, there are times, when
recesses--avenues, that are a rarity, appear
they allow our innermost feelings to come to play
we break down... and cry... alone

after these lapse in time
we must quickly forget these thoughts, if only temporarily
and we must pick up from where we've left off

its right to look forward
its essential to be optimistic

but sometimes, we must look back
and cherish the events, the people and things that had shaped our lives


even, if there are gone

Julian tan



arghh noticed that my recent entries contain countless spelling mistakes.. :-(



Words serve as a way of expressing ourselves, our innermost thoughts and feelings..
sometimes, words fail us..
some things are indescribable with mere words..


it has been a week since renaissance XIV.. everything has more or less settled down.. whether it signifies the end of my life as a clarinettist, or it paves the way for a new beginning, i don't know.. all i can say, is that my interest in music has certainly not died, and if there would be a chance to join a band outside, i would not hesitate to, after my A's

now, i'm giving myself a 4-month hiatus from music, and concentrate on my much neglected studies..

now about the highly entertaining, critically acclaimed RENAISSANCE XIV.. watching mark, jeremy, pavin, binghong, terrence; the rest of the clarinet section, the whole sjimb playing was painfully poignant, but at the same time, lifting.. i'm so proud of those guys.. i've seen them grow up from mischievously haughty sec1s to fully fledged sec4 bandsmen, leading the juniors the way i lead them..

looking back, i was kind of a tyrant, a cold-blooded sadistic section leader/student conductor yah? i can't help but feel that my juniors had really suffered under me.. i remember throwing drumsticks when i was conducting the band; shouting, swearing and screaming at people who played badly.. i recall giving copious amounts of push-ups to my section at the school track under the merciless scorching hot sun, coupled with my incessant rantings.. i don't know how my juniors internalized my actions back then, but i hope they understood my reasons but being firm and unwavering.. :-)  i hope that these guys would never forget about the times they spent in the band, no matter where they go.. the time i spent in the band was a tough, yet meaningful and happy one, and i hope their's was too.. lets cherish these wonderful moments forever..

"you can leave the sjimb, but the sjimb never leaves you.."
Julian tan

in life, we want to selfishly hold on to the things that we treasure so much.. yet, in due course, we have to inevitably learn to let go, in order to move on.. what we CAN keep, are just memories.. but what memories! hmmm.. if i can still play on, i would certainly want to be part of renaissance XV..

friday's attendance was rather poor, but nevertheless the band never let down our audience.. most of the songs went smoothly, and i'm sure the crowd enjoyed the show, albeit in a low-key fashion..

saturday proved to be such a bash! the performing arts centre was filled to the brim! haha.. some poor souls didn't even have a seat! the alumni band played 3 pieces: "karachi boulevard", "wind of change" a a japanese cartoon theme song--i think it's called "come on rangers!" haha.. how cute! my solo for karachi went rather smoothly.. i decided to play it out loud! haha i blew my instrument at about 75% of my dynamic range.. and people who know how i play the clarinet should know how i can blast the instrument! even with a size 4 reed! i tink my dynamic level in professional terminology was a "fff".. i dun really know how it sounds to the crowd, but according to mingli and some others, it was quite loud and nice! haha thanks guys for your support! i appreciate the applause i received after the solo too! :-) lets not get carried away yah? haha..
 
renaissance xiv was to me, a kind of tribute to my frens who gave so much in their love of music, and are deciding to give up music altogether.. sad it is, but like i said earlier, we have to learn to let go of some things in our lives, to move on..
 
music, like liguistics, canvas art and other variations of performing arts, is a form of expression.. our mind has an unique ability to translate, convert and process our thoughts to various tangible forms, and tools like musical instruments, writting material, the paint brushes etc help us express ourselves, and while we cannot possibly fully express and show our feelings, these methods release some of emotions.. the process of purging the soul is called: catharsis.. hence, poetry, words, paintings, sculptures and music are manifestations of what our heart feels strongly for.. music expresses the inexpressible..

the saint joseph's institution military band-the best of its kind..





Memory
Pronunciation: 'mem-rE, 'me-m&-
Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English memorie, from Middle French memoire, from Latin memoria, from memor mindful; akin to Old English gemimor well-known, Greek mermEra care, Sanskrit smarati he remembers

1 (a): the power or process of reproducing or recalling what has been learned and retained especially through associative mechanisms (b): the store of things learned and retained from an organism's activity or experience as evidenced by modification of structure or behavior or by recall and recognition

memory, a double-edged sword..

on one hand, it is so very vital in the encapsulation of beautiful thoughts that bring immediate warmth upon reflection.. thoughts that we want to treasure, keep forever.. memories that we want to keep, framed, in a very special part of our minds.. these memories serve as inspiration, as motivation to push us in this arduous journey which is life.. have u thought of the times when you are so depressed, stripp'd of all hope and emptied of all joy.. a vapid soul.. what remains are these subtle, yet powerful reminders that life is worth living.. memories, keeping what we cherish..

conversely, our memory can be such very painful burden.. our mind is so sophisticated.. we can throw away photos that we feel are unsatisfactory and not worth keeping, but we cannot seek an erasure of part or all of our memory.. (eternal sunshine of the spotless mind?) often, the thoughts that remain most deeply etched in our minds are brought about by events that hurt us, depress us, disappoint us etc.. we have a tendency to remember and recall negative history.. the angst lies in our futile efforts to try and forget the past.. upon closer examination, we realise that older people drag with them large amounts of emotional baggage.. these tie them down, and as we grow older, we become listless, melancholic and increasingly negative..
 
well? i guess the quintessential issue is how we use our memories, good or bad, to embolden and drive us in this journey which is life.. our reasoning faculties and intellectual resource must function , in order to translate, to convert negative history into something that would inspire and spur us to reach greater heights.. metamorphose thoughts into dreams.. 

To imagine, to dream a dream..

"To die, to sleep --To sleep, perchance to dream,  ay there's the rub, for in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause; there's the respect that makes calamity of so long life."
William Shakespeare's Hamlet








--the silence, immense, totally absorbing--



"karachi boulevard"
"wind of change"
"jap cartoon theme song"




Renaissance XIV is over! kinda brimmed with mixed feelings now.. shall blog about the details and nuances concerning the concert soon, as i'm sick now.. i'll also continue the 2nd part of the previous entry about "memory".. :)
 
yours in christ
julian





having gone through my previous entries, i noticed that they are laced with much melancholia.. this place here is an outlet to help facilitate the out-pouring of my feelings.. ahh catharsis.. tranquility of the mind.. lessens the load on my mind.. i've also noted that i've penned some poems.. hmmm whether in poetry, common paragraphs or incessant rantings, my blog entries are manifestions, an extension of my mind, my heart.. i blog what i feel, what i think are pressing issues and significant events that happen around me.. this is the niche, a paradise, a place beyond fantasy, at least for the mind..

prance freely..

flit away..

evaporate..


Metaphysical poetry written in free verse unchains our thoughts..
one is transported from the landscape into the mindscape..

Usage of foreign and archaic terms suggest of a place removed, somewhat surreal, even fantastical..


"The defining function of the artist is to cherish consciousness."
Max Eastman


The Brazil Churrascaria serves good food, but i feel that they're quite overrated.. my family celebrated father's day at the restaurant, which is located off sixth avenue.. the place is really a protein pit! waiters walk around carrying skewers lanced with large portions beef, filet mignon, lamb, chicken, sausages, pork ribs etc.. its a must try for meat lovers! the salad bar is quite intriguing, with its wide variety.. but do control your voracious appetites and do not overload, otherwise a visit to the pharmacy to get indigestion pills would be in order..

the mid yrs start tmr, and i'm giving it scant regard! haha i dun seem worried or afraid.. i'll just flunk it, and work hard after that, although i can't see myself getting down to do some serious work.. :)

au revoir


ze clairvoyant

i presume yesterday's soccer session at sji would be the last.. but it ended with such style!

fast-forward: we had alumni band practice, and lester tried "karachi boulevard", a jap cartoon song and "colonel bogey".. well the band sounded quite bad, and we can't seem to concentrate on playing those pieces well.. lester was rather lethargic, and listening to some of our nonsense really pissed him off.. he wanted to scrap the pieces and change them to simpler pieces.. i played the 1st part with esmond, and i can sincerely say that we tried our best.. but sadly the band is judged as a whole unit.. i pity the trombonists and euphonium players cuz they had quite a stick from lester..

he told us to be serious for band practice from now, instead of playing soccer before band and coming into the bandroom drenched and exhausted.. there's some truth in it, although i wouldn't exactly refer it to myself..

rewind: as afore mentioned, our soccer session ended with such aplomb! we started off using a mini-ball, because bro. michael prohibited the use of size 5 balls.. his rational is that the large ball would damage the goal posts' netting, although i can't see how it would.. nevertheless we had some fun! defending a small ball surely is tedious! poor nicholas hong was on the receiving end of many shots.. the mini ball was so small that it made his life tough as a 'keeper, and the lightness of the ball meant that it flew at a greater velocity.. hehe..

i scored two goals yesterday.. the first a curled right-foot shot into the top left of binghong's goal.. the assist was from vignesh down the left wing.. then we used the large ball as there were only alumni people left.. the second goal was an absolute stunner.. i got the ball from my keeper, esmond, just in front of our goal and decided to hit a long-range shot with the outside of my right foot.. the ball curled right, over everyone, and dipped just nicely over nicholas into the goal post! what a beauty! what a way to end the game! hehe :) hope i don't have to wait so long to play soccer again!


Searching for solitude

overcast.
a whiff of cold draft
darkened whites

alone on the boardwalk
the scent of salt water
placating

mists, vapours of water
similarly
my thoughts dissipate

detachment
from the hectic pace of life
revelling in inner peace

through my eyes
surroundings change in slow motion
almost in suspended animation

awe
in awareness of the little details we miss
in our everyday life

an opening of the senses
able to absorb the essence of this beautiful world
delight, if only transient

looking around,
everything seems clearer,
peaceful and in greater detail

every change in scenery
picturesque
things that we take for granted

life, ever so trying
an unrelenting challenge
a test of our mettle.

perhaps, its is vital
that we take a step a back sometimes
slow down, and appreciate this world

solitude.. what joy..

if one wants to search for their raison d'etre
one need not look further than our present surroundings
embrace its beauty.
absorb its essence.
be inspired..

Julian tan



March 2 2002
Newcastle 0-0 Arsenal

10:19

nice tackle there by patrick veira
a short pass to dennis bergkamp
receives and looks around
a diagonal pass from the right to the left
picking out robert pires
pires dribbles
bergkamp sprints foward, raising his arm
he manages to receive pires' pass

one touch
flicked, curved around nikos dabizas
ball and bergkamp circumnavigates defender
both meet goal-wards
one touch to stop the ball
another to score!
mere formality

10:35

Newcastle 0-1 Arsenal

Absolute brilliance by the Dutch Master..
Executed with such arrogance, ease, vision, poise and panache
and throughout the entire event, Dennis never once looked at the defender,
though he knew exactly where he was
There's only one ..DENNIS BERGKAMP!


had a rather useless alumni band practice today.. lester wasn't around, i took the unglamourous of having to conduct.. that, coupled with the fact that i've not been conducting for 2 years, really dampened my day.. today was a day lost, save for the exciting soccer session we had today at sji..

a rather low-key day in my otherwise mundane life.. haix.. --just where are *you? i've been searching high and low for you.. i'm desperate, listless, disillusioned.. i need you, and i need you now.. fill my empty soul

*inspiration


knelt
heads bowed
numb..

sanity, lost.
consciousness, evaporated.
body, empty.
mind, disillusioned.
soul, vapid..

creeping frost,
asphyxiation

mental stasis
ravaged relentlessly
helpless.

calls for help,
useless.

alone
cold listless
obscurity.

seeks warmth
in vain.

freefalling from an icy cliff
without a thought in mind
happiness or insanity?

locked in
no use trying
there is NO way out

death,
the sole outlet
for these emotions

bleed
whipped with such scorn and hatred,
repeatedly.

look left
observing water snaking down the sidewalk's drain

look up
bird soaring into the great sky

look right
the free scurrying of cats

look into the mirror.
a forlorn figure, unrecognizable
a mere puppet
mutilated.
disfigured.

alas, tomorrow would be a better day.

Julian tan

its amazing that the world, much fabled for its wealth, is unable to provide respite of the tired, lonely soul.. as the saying goes: "cry and you cry alone". how true that simply sentence is.. it sums up society's selfish attitudes towards those who need need and solace, those who are lost, cold, hungry, sad or unhappy..



i've returned to this the warmth of this cosy niche, here..

CJC combined concert went smoothly, the band played to a reasonable standard and my solo for "vesuvius" was executed with ease, and rather nicely too! hmm its kind of weird but saturday was the only day i felt that i was proud to be in this band.. prior to that, i felt no sense of attachment or belong to this society named, as the cjcsb.. rather, i was kinda detached from it all, and was little more than a "virtual" passenger, than an enthusiastic, vivacious musician whom actively participated in our band's activities..

perhaps it is apt, that i felt such joy and pride on sat, as it is, to me a closing chapter to my life as a musician in cjc.. i'm not willing, though, to give up playing the clarinet.. perhaps it signalled a new beginning, a renewal even? it nudged me into thinking that i seriously have to chart my course ahead, at least in the music scene..

in retrospection, i've certainly made some milestones in my musical career.. pristine, almost sparkling memories are etched in my mind.. like performing with the sjimb, the mus'art wind orchestra and the cjcsb.. performing clarinet solo works in pieces like "noah's ark", "vesuvius", "disco kids", frances yip's songs etc.. i've performed at many places: locally at countless locations like the Istana, Mac ritchie's band shell, sji's splendid performing arts centre, at the Singapore Conference Hall, the aesthetically resplendent and acoustically superb Esplanade, at the rustically charming victoria concert hall; abroad at sweden's city of Kristianstad, in the breathtakingly beautiful Heliga Trefaldighetskyrkan (Church of the Holy trinity) which was built in 1617, kristianstad's city centre, marching around the town.. i shall stop here, else i'll just ramble on about the sheer picturesque scenes of scandinavia.. but to say the least: what wonderful thoughts..

i can't help but feel a tingh of sadness.. how many times have i put up a brave front and said that i cannot possibly feel sad once i leave this band cause it has given absolutely nothing worthwhile to cherish and remember.. this time i let that facade of mine down, and thought of the times i spent in band, though laced with rather dull, placid nuances, and realized that there are some moments that are worth remembering.. i thought i could detach myself from this place with no strings attached, i was wrong..

sat signalled the end of the musical pursuits of some of my dear friends, like matthew and yaoguang.. i tried persuading them not never to give up this wonderful activity which is music making, without any avail.. and if one wants to search for a reason that has but extinguished this spark in them, one can look no further than cjcsb.. it is sad, when a musician decides to give up music for good.. i shall not go into details to promote music, but to put it simply, music is life. for a musician to give up music in this way, it is but a shame..

yaoguang told me something interesting onboard the bus today, when we're going home.. he said something like he felt so dull and hated music during cjc's band practice, and wanted many times to give it all up; but he can't help but feel that he has a long way to go in the pursuit of music, and has this renewed vigour whenever he attends sji's alumni band practice.. perhaps a hope? we shall see.. i in all sincerity do not want any of my friends to give up music, because i am inspired by the magic of music, and would want to share this immense magical brillance with them.

"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music."
Aldous Huxley


A' Level syllabus

Geography

Atmostphere and Climatic Variations
The Hydrological cycle in drainage basins
Rocks and Landforms *
Tropical Ecosystems and their management *

Population Geography
Urban Geography *
Economic Change and Development *
Environmental Problems and their Management *


Economics

The Central Problem of Economics *
Demand and Supply (includes Elasticity)
Production and Costs
Market Structure
Labour Market *
Money *
Keynesian Theory of Income Determination
International Trade
International Finance *
Public Finance *
Main Macroeconomic Problems *
Macroeconomic Policies *


I penned this poem not long ago.. absorbing the surrounding elements and translating it into inspiration and creativity, is for me, a vital outlet to express my feelings.. this poem isn't exactly a piece par excellence, but rather it is a genuine work, serving as a mirror, as an insight, into the turmoil that that is growing within me..
here it goes:

A Retrospection

Thoughts lost in my strides
A mind shifting in and out of consciousness
I'm alone

This I so much desire, yet loathe
I want to be detached from everything
Yet i want to be found

The reality of it strikes me suddenly
Like a cold draft in winter,
Cutting into my flesh

The truth, like the forces of nature--
Relentless. Merciless.
My mind faces what seems to be an insurmountable hurdle

Struggling to make sense of everything
Trying to accept reality
I cannot wallow in fantasy, forever

Events took place just so quickly
Too fast for comprehension
Just but a hint of superficial acceptance

It is only in solitude and reflection
That we can detach our minds, bringing it a step back
To try to reassess our thoughts

A moment
Short, but sweet
In a lifetime.
Forever etched in my heart,
The brief visit of love

A wonderful feeling, almost surreal
Inexpressible by mere words
Our hearts speak best

Shards, just fragments remain
Of what used to be so delicately beautiful
i'm alone, picking up the pieces

Beautiful thoughts that are relegated to just memories
Memories that never fail to provide a gush of warmth
Grief, in reflection of what could have been
Memories will always remain as memories
Our paths have been chosen by fate

Arrivederci.

Julian tan



at long last..
today was pretty low key, at least for the first 3 quarters of the day.. hehe nearly broke down in class today, largely due to the 2 consecutive periods of geography + a geog test on microclimates immediately after that.. it was really brain drain, period. i told myself that it was yet another day wasted in school.. the feeling i had in my heart was one of genuine scorn and comtempt, although towards nobody, nothing.. i even thought of venting my pent-up emotions here..

but the day took a twist, for the better..

but the highlight of the day was spent at the street soccer pitch.. before pe officially started, my classmates were already down there, playing.. i joined them, and played mainly as a left winger.. and after a few mins spent accustoming to the opponent's style of play, i created two magnificent through-balls for niven.. from one of which, he SCORED! and he acknowledged my part in it.. it was like wow! i'm not sure if it was an inspired moment or wad.. haha but it will surely be etched in my memories! i love to assist my team mates in defending, even more so in scoring goals.. watching my team mates scoring goals through my assistance gives me the same pleasure as when i score it myself.. i felt that my assist was even more significant than a long range goal i scored through a j1's leg later.. i truely enjoyed myself.. wow such thrill and exhilaration.. finally, i showed something for the hard work that i've put into soccer over the past few weeks.. i need more practice, and hopefully, i can improve further.. i've niven, vyasa and joseph to thank for being patient with me, constantly encouraging and teaching me.. at least i possess the thirst for learning.. :)

what a beautiful day.. if only everyday was like this.. life would be perfect..well almost.. :)

au revoir.


Julian Tan:
Thank you for recently taking the Self Discovery Workshop's IQ Test.
Because of the Internet's ability to mishandle transmissions, we are
reconfirming via email that your IQ Test score was: 144

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that can indicate directions for you to take.

Average: 85 - 115
Above average: 116 - 125
Gifted Borderline Genius: 126 - 135
Highly gifted & appearing to be a Genius to most others: 136 - 145
Genius: 146 - 165
High Genius: 166 - 180
Highest Genius: 181 - 200
Beyond being measurable Genius: Over 200


a soul, emptied..
i'll start off by saying this: what a wonderful day it has been! our class participated in the frisbee interclass competition and after grueling tough matches against T3, T24, T34 and T28, we clinched the 2nd place! this is absolutely the first time i've seen so much enthusiasm, elation and team-spirit in my classmates! haha we were fighting for each other selflessly, to conquer our opponents.. we couldn't overcome T28 in the midst of many refereeing doubts, much to the disappointment of the guys, including myself.. we walked off the pitch, heads bowed, dispirited..

later, we collected ourselves and realized that 2nd placing ain't that bad after all! haha.. we told ourselves that we've given our 100%, and in our hearts, we're the champions! hail 2t13'04! i've never been so proud of this class before!

after the euphoria of the sports carnival had died down, i went home to wash up and bathe..

i saw her at the bus stop.. as usual, confident, radiant..

went to town to meet my frens and in the evening we went to NJC's symphonic band concert.. matthew, yaoguang, nick and jingliang.. i went to support my sjimb mates, victor and yuen sean..

jingliang :"pictures restrict our imagination."
julian :"words confine our expression."

have you ever felt so--so--insignificant? sometimes it feels that the world can very well do without me.. is this feeling borne out of neglect or a lack of sense of belonging? i'm unsure.. augh anyway this feeling sucks to the core.. and like i said yesterday, i need fuel, inspiration, food for my soul.. my mind is empowered by inspiration and positivity.. i'm so lacking in it now.. so dispirited.. i need to find my niche, my source of hope and light, so that i can carry on with life's earnest battles..

she's so near, yet so far.
arrivederci.


Eternal slumber..
Yawn.. someone, anyone.. wake me up from this seemingly endless sleep.. ponning school, skipping class, avoiding pe, neglecting homework and detesting revision ain't exactly cool yah?

did not attend lessons today (not surprisingly).. but i still went out with jaric,nik,yg to have lunch in town during midday, and later in the afternoon, jaricson followed me to funan the IT mall to walk ard, followed by a chill-out session at Mac's.. it's really therapeutic i'd admit.. it's like catharsis we experience at the end of a drama work--a release of emotions, a cleansing, purification of the soul.. a truely soulful experience, facilitating relaxation.. ahh i can still feel its effects..

later, we took a leisurely stroll to the adjacent excelsior shopping center, up the escalator to Weston corporation.. there we saw our jerseys being prepared.. i saw the labels of the number "13" print being cut, and i quickly alerted jaric.. why? cuz it was simply not suitable for our jersey.. the jersey we got was the predator pulse training top, which looks rather serious and stern, and the font of the print was so --- comical! haha so we decided, much to the displeasure of niven, not to have 13 printed on the back of our jerseys..

arghhh i'm always lying to myself.. i've lost count of the number of empty promises i've made to myself.. like i said, wake me up from my eternal slumber, and i'll be so very grateful..

and oh yes! i saw her in town today, looking as usual, ravishing..

i long for company, attention and warmth.. lift my empty, weary disillusioned soul..

she is it.
the quintessence of beauty

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see."
John Burroughs

-another proof of language as an encapsulation of our lives

au revoir.



Living in yesterday..
the week that has just passed was quite a fruitful one! on friday, our school has this prize award ceremony for the batch of students that had just graduated from cjc..

last friday, i played with my classmates in various soccer matches after school.. wow it's like the first time i played in such competitive and tense game.. in the past, soccer games were more for fun, leisure and enjoyment, rather than for competition.. it was like a tournament..

we played 6 matches, and won all! the scoreline was like 3-0, 3-1, 3-0, 3-2, 3-1, 3-1.. the hardest match was agains the "cjc all stars team", which also had this j1 guy with red hair, and looked damn ah beng to me.. haha.. and the most surprising thing that happened, was that i had to be a make-shift goalkeeper!! because jaricson had dragon boat training and was thus unavailable for selection..

i did not play well, but i'm just so fortunate to have such wonderful team mates.. joseph, vyasa, niven+kesavan and ian toh.. i did not play well for a goalkeeper, but by standards, i did ok, taking into consideration that i've never played in that position before.. i felt so nervous, so tensed up.. and it wad arkward using my hands, because if i was an outfield player, i would try at all cost not to touch the ball, as it will result in a foul.. yeah so it was a rather weird, strange, but also nice and exhillarating experience!

as the game wore on, i began to fit into the position better.. i started to feel more comfortable and relaxed.. i've to thank my team mates for always tracking-back, ensuring that the defence is "water-tight".

A truely meaningful time spent with my classmates.. we surely bonded together better, as we felt the team spirit and fellowship in each of us. sorry if i'm using poor grade english because i'm typing this in a rush, and i feel sick.. :) i'm looking forward to playing with my class mates again! but hopefully not as a goalkeeper, but a right-winger or right fullback..

Arriverderci.


The angst of an uphill struggle
talked to jason hui over the last few days and we agreed, that how shitty it would feel, if we end up with lousy, mediocre grades that don't reflect out true potential.. but every time i try, i do try believe me, to starve off the disease of skipping school, there'll always be a stupid setback goddamn it! be it the incapable geog teachers, my broken lenses, my frail health, i can't seem to attend school properly, hence my nickname, "virtual student"

what's a BBB grade? listen: everyone has different potentials.. it is only when we realise our own potential, that we should be satisfied.. not the average potential of the class, the school, or my frens.. MY OWN POTENTIAL! a BBB grade presently in my class would be like the best grades by a mile? i cannot stand the obstacles that are stifling my mental development, be it teachers, lousy notes, lousy lecturer etc.. let be reinstate the fact that i am a perfectionist.. over the past 6 years, i've been, rather painstakingly, trying to create a brain, that is capable of churning out top-drawer quality thoughts.. while people are trying to study, i've been trying to figure out how to have think, in order facilitate the flow of ideas from my brain, to paper.. if u can imagine, a brain is like a collection of strings, which are intricately linked, forming a sophisticated web of lines.. if we are able to fine-tune these strings, then it'll respond to the slightest of changes we observe, and at a rapid rate of thought.. mental processes, speed of thought, wit, brain power, imaginative potential, physics engine are some of the components of my mind that i seek to constantly develop.. i can't stand flaws and imperfection.. being the ponderer that i am, everytime i feel that my mind has done something that i think is not up to my high exacting standards, i'll think a a better method of thinking, to try change my though patterns.. its similar to computer files' patches.. i constantly update and renew my mind.. the ultimate aim, for me, is to have a mind that that can provide perfect, intricate information on demand.. i feel i'm almost reaching the pinnacle of my brain's potential..

however, on the flipside, it sure has its drawbacks.. one of which, is that this highly strung, fine-tune mind of mine, which i always use at full trottle, and it always works on the edge, consumes energy at an alarmingly rapid rate.. as a result, i feel tired easily. it drains energy away so quickly..

and it doesn't help if you've a weak body, like mine..

enough said. its time to put into use this brain of mine, which has been in hibernation for so long, to use.. whatever the outcome, i cannot predict.. whether it will amaze me, let time tell.. its time to apply my mind to my academic studies.. today, is the starting point.. it'll be a marathon, culminating at the A's.. here i go!


Time, ebbing away..
Looking back, this is how is spent my week:

Sunday: Went to mingli's barbecue.. well before that i actually went to Sentosa with mummy, to watch my younger brother, Jason perform at various locations like that palawan beach, the dolphin lagoon and the Underwater World.. my siblings and myself are involved in music-making.. my older brother, James, plays the Clarinet, like myself.. Jason is the odd one out, as he plays the euphonium, so sadly, i can't tutor him in his euphonium playing.. hehe..

okie i've digressed enough.. we were late for the performance, as we dilly-dallied before we left house.. hehe.. so i took my mum on a tour around the island, on foot; onboard the creaky, dilapidated monorail system; and on the island's new volvo buses.. well because it was the first time in 3 years that i've visited the island, every step we took, every other place of interest we visited, was a revelation to me.. i finally realized on that day, why it's touted as Singapore's no.1 tourist paradise.. with the irresistible combination of the sun, sand, water, and lastly, babes!, its not hard to see why..

on a personal note i felt the place is really a place where whimsical, carefree fun and frolic can happen.. its a place where one can really leave behind their problems and woes, and party! to unwind, relax.. like a butterfly, flitting; like a deer, prancing, free to go wherever u want to go.. what a great outlet to released those pent up feelings inside us! enjoying life to the maximum, as if tomorrow doesn't exist.. such a place seldom exist in today's world-a madcap place fuelled by a hectic pace of life.. its hard to let oneself free from all this, and enjoy some R&R.. how i yearn to go there on a weekly basis, running on the beach, kicking a ball around like someone from woodbridge, without a worry to my name.. but, haix, reality sinks in and i can't, partly cuz i don't possess a nice, toned, firm body, and mostly cuz of time constrains..

because i went out earlier, i went to mingli's place wearing my van heusen shirt and long dockers khaki pants, abit too formal for a barbecue yah? even the hostess said so.. :P okie the barbecue went well, i enjoyed myself amid the company of nice people.. credit to mingli and her close frens, and her maids, for their effort were instrumental in ensuring the success of the bbq.. although some people i didn't exactly like went, i tried to ignore their presence, in order to enjoy the bbq.. oh well, we often have to work with people we don't like, thats a fact, so i should not to let their existence affect me.. thanks mingli! wad a wonderful junior.. as her senior, i should feel extremely fortunate..

Monday: today was the first of 3 days of band practice for the week-mon/wed/sat.. periods of time spent during band are often form blank spots in my mind, illustrating the dull, lifeless, monotonous, insipid nature of my band..in one word, shite..

u see, i love band, i enjoy playing my clarinet--expressing myself, trying to improvise always, learning from the pros on CD, working towards the ultimate aim of achieving the perfect tone, with technical skills to match.. i love music.. i feel its a method of expression, and much like poetry, the velvety rich beauty that music carries, is inexpressible by mere words.. musicians bring their music scores to life, like when readers form images in their minds when indulging in poetry.. music is an art form.. musicians immerse themselves in the music they play.. when performing, the musician's heart and mind are one.. they speak to people who appreciate, the universal language which is music..

when i was the concert master in my previous band at sji, i really enjoyed conducting.. why? simply because the players play the heart out, and my job as the conductor is simple, which is just to blend these wonderful sounds together..

sadly, i admit that its impossible of anyone to enjoy playing their music in cjcsb.. all expression is neutered and snuffed out.. what the band produce, is in the form of sterilized, unimaginative, lifeless sounds which our conductor calls music..

Tuesday: went out with jingliang and yaoguang, did the usual things that we normally would do in the boring orchard area.. we watched "the butterfly effect", ate, played at the arcade, chatted and really it was time we used to catch up with each other, as we've not seen each other for about 3 months.. it went well, and i'm waiting in anticipation towards the next time we can meet up again!

Wed: band sucks.

Fri: went out with esmond, yaoguang and nick.. today, esmond decided to treat us to Subway and movie.. we had lunch at Subway, and i ordered this huge sandwich which i tink is called "italian BMT''.. don't know what does BMT stand for, but it sure tasted great! i had it footlong, along with all the works-olives, green pepper, double cheese topping, etc.. feeling full, we went to PS to watch "runaway jury", which actually is a movie based on a novel by john grisham, who specializes in penning courtroom novels.. not bad, very detailed, and a meaningful story, and i would give it maybe 4/5 stars? hehe..

Saturday: band sucked, as usual.. the highlight of the day came after band, after we've gone to selegie to get yaoguang's cd replaced, at andrew's place.. u see, we bought this Banana boat deep tanning oil, in a desperate attempt to tan ourselves.. the sun let us down, as it was covered most of the time by passing clouds.. we didn't get any darker, but it was fun just to hang out with yg, andrew and esmond.. we chatted at the poolside, swam, and

Today: today was spent reflecting on the past week, how it was time wasted.. but on the flip side, i can also conclude that it was time well spent.. i did many things that i cannot normally do during the school's academic time..

wanted to go for a tan in the morning, but slept right through the morning, only woke up at 1+.. called cherie and explained to her the outline of the economics essay on the keynesian theory.. hope i did help her though! i'm not too confident of my explaining skills and the grasp of the new topic .. this time period was sandwiched in-between watching england vs wales in the rugby 6 nations tournament, and watching "super sunday" on ESPN..

just realised its like so late now.. gotta sleep soon, else i'll end up ponning sch tmr!


arrivederci.


Serenity..
well what should i say here? hmmm.. to start off, this ending week was rather placid.. i guess the only highlight was meeting up on tuesday with jingliang , who i've not met for about 3 months! u see, i've 2 best friends-jingliang and yaoguang.. we got to know each other from out sec 1 class, 1E6, in St joseph's.. well i must admit that at the beginning, at the nascent stage of out friendship, things were difficult, but i mean, i'm quite sure everybody would have their disagreements sometimes, somewhere.. arguments, fights, even bitching occurred..

but looking back in retrospect, i'm amazed at how far our friendship has grown and matured.. sometimes i do wish that we stay in the same school, same institution for as long as possible.. but i realized that no matter how hard i yearn for that to happen, it just wouldn't.. i've learn to accept that as we have to always move on, its impossible that our lives would take the exactly same path.. surely, our lives would branch out, we'll discover in ourselves our individuality, and ultimately our direction we've chosen to focus our life's journey towards..

we've come a long way since sec1.. it has been 6 years.. times spent together in band, in the same section, doing push-ups in the sweltering, scorching blazing sun under the sadistic Edwin Tay; in Sweden, times spent shopping, taking in the scenic beauty of the scenery, every step we took there was really a revelation, and fuel for our curious young minds (heh museum erotica included), crying almost simultaneously infront of edwin; going out, meeting at ck tangs bus stop (its our usual meeting place always), bowling, swimming, shopping, gossiping; days spent in our lower sec class.. the list just goes on forever.. they say that friends affect and alter your life.. i agree with that statement totally.. if i did not meet these two wonderful friends, i'll not be who i am today.. most certainly, i'd be a totally different person, for better or worse, i shall not ponder.. memories of us spending time together, finding precious moments amid out busy life, to meet each other.. when we're out, i feel that we've immersed ourselves in this slow-paced, a dreamy, almost in a paradigm removed, looking curiously at the world whiz past us, as we revel in the essence of our friendship..

these are memories i'll keep close to my heart, always.. times we've spent together, i'll never forget.. tears we've shed, will numb my soul.. laughs and jokes we've shared, will empower me to move on.. our friendship is like fine wine-it mellows with age, and like a time-capsule, this vintage embodies our friendship.. although we're in different schools now, and about to enter NS next year, i'm sure that our friendship knows no bounds, and the spark between us would be kept alive for years to come..


i got this from:http://www.idealpartner.org.uk/ipbi/WhatJob.asp

Julian - Born: 25 July 1986 Gender: Male Lunar Birth Date: 19 6 1986 (day/month/year)

Ki System

Natal Year number: 5
Although Julian at heart suffers from a sense of insecurity, he nevertheless portrays a confident yet sympathetic exterior to the outside world that enables him to get along well with other people. Indeed even though he is not really a team player, he is likely to reach a position of authority because he enjoys the strength of independent thought upon which others can rely.

Natal Month number: 6
Naturally self-disciplined, Julian will have assumed responsibility for other family members from an early age. He is naturally supportive of both the young and the old in his immediate family, and has a capacity for hard work, so there is a danger that his life may become a little too serious. Julian is suited to social work, charitable functions or the world of education.

Natal House number: 4
With a strong sense of justice, Julian has a balanced but independent view of the major issues affecting life, yet lacks attention to detail. Inclined to leave things until the very last minute, he will struggle in any employment until he is sufficiently senior to have someone else put into effect the many good ideas that he will contribute.

Comments based on Western Grid

1

Although Julian may be reasonably talkative in public, he finds it difficult to express personal feelings to those closest to him. In employment terms, this inhibition is of little consequence.

2

Sensitive to criticism and naturally intuitive, Julian has a natural ability to detect insincerity in others. Because he is a sensitive soul, Julian can be a solid friend and a good listener. As a result, he will get on well with colleagues, whilst being more than capable of handling office politics.

5

Well-balanced, with an understanding and compassionate nature, Julian is a natural leader who can inspire others. But he needs a certain amount of freedom at work and at home. With a compassionate and caring nature, and with the ability to get on well with others, Julian will be a strong member of any team and will provide solid inspiration and support to his colleagues.

6

Creative yet somewhat insecure, Julian is a family-orientated person who enjoys domestic responsibilities. He could well be employed in the hospitality industry - perhaps running a hotel, or B & B venture. In an office environment Julian will be valuable as the individual to whom others will turn for moral support. But home for Julian is where the heart is, and domestic responsibilities will always be important.

7

Julian will find life's lessons hard to learn. He will suffer from loss (of possessions or those he loves) before questioning the cause of that loss. It is likely that Julian will develop a faith of some sort, and although it need not necessarily be a religious faith, it will nevertheless be something that he holds onto against all the evidence. Potential employers need to find out what that faith entails.

8

Good with details and with a methodical approach, Julian nevertheless is someone who enjoys constant new challenges to maintain his interest. He is a methodical individual with attention to detail, but is inclined to leave tasks unfinished if his active mind alights on something of greater interest. Routine tasks that fail to challenge his intellect are at greatest risk, so Julian needs a job that offers variety.

9

Ambitious to improve his lot, Julian will constantly push forward to achieve something in his life, yet this ambition will be balanced by humanitarian ideals that will lead him to support causes that may demand self-sacrifice.
[The Arrow of Activity: the numbers 7, 8 and 9] Enjoying the outdoors, Julian is someone who will perform best by being busy. He dislikes confined spaces, and needs both physical and mental exercise. A good walk in fresh air is an intellectual catalyst like no other to Julian, whose need to be constantly occupied is an asset to any employer.
[The Arrow of Determination: the numbers 1, 5 and 9] Determined and persistent, Julian has the patience to wait until he has achieved his goal. He enjoys a progressive and enterpreneurial approach, and as such, will be an asset to any employer. If the number 4 (in the Western Grid) is missing, he will be inclined to lose his temper on occasions.
[The Arrow of Emotional Balance: the numbers 2, 5 and 8] Understanding and compassionate, Julian is well-balanced. He possesses sound leadership qualities that are of use in a wide variety of jobs. With an understanding and compassionate nature, Julian can appreciate the views of others, and thus gain the respect of the community in which he lives or works.


Lost in translation


i watched "lost in translation" last thursday.. only decided to pen my thoughts down now, when i've fully understood the ethos of the film.. the scenes have finally sunk into my mind.. now, when i look back, i can only recall wonderful memories of the show.. it has to be one of the most beautiful films i've watch.. it leaves in the audience this great bittersweet aftertaste..

the story focuses almost solely on the two main characters.. bob (bill murray), and Charlotte (scarlett Johansson).. its about two americans who find themselves in each other in Tokyo..

Bob Harris is a grumpy movie star in town to shoot a whiskey commercial. He is not only plagued by jet lag and gloom over a deteriorating marriage of many years.. he is also in the midst of a midlife crisis that dampens his spirits but not his wit..

Charlotte, the neglected wife of a photographer (Giovanni Ribisi), experiences a similar air-conditioned nightmare.. Married two years, she already feels lost in the relationship, unable to participate in her husband's career or pinpoint what she wants out of life. .When she ventures into the city, she is confronted by a distorted version of Western modernity.. When she reaches out to Buddhism, all she gets is a temple full of priests chanting an incomprehensible Japanese..

the characters are more alienated than awed by the urban tokyo landscape.. these two people discover each other late at night at the bar.. Neither one can sleep. a friendship evolves in their mutual isolation.. When her husband leaves on assignment, Charlotte invites Bob out with her Japanese friends.. The two make the rounds of clubs, karaoke joints, strip bars, private homes and video-game arcades..

Coppola sees in Tokyo's crowded, neon-lit urban landscape a society estranged from its own culture.. The night is filled with pleasure-seekers obsessed by games, toys and American pop culture.. Only when Charlotte takes a train to Kyoto is she able to experience the old Japan of ancient temples and gardens, tea houses and kimono-clad figures..

the movie flirts with a sexual relationship between these two, but Coppola holds back, aware not only of the characters' age differences but a realization that what ails the couple cannot be resolved with sexual healing.. rather, Coppola only seeks to display the problems that they face..

and it is portrayed in a way, kept perfectly simple, to help convey the problem of isolation.. the durations of the scenes between bob and Charlotte are purposely stretched, especially the placid scenes, and are surrounded by a sheen of gloom.. it makes the audience only concentrate and zoom in on the two actors, as surrounding distractions are effectively erased.. its like two brightly lit stars amid a scenario of despair.. the film does not seek to convey a philosophical solution to this problem.. it just displays the problem with such flair and simplicity that one can easily put oneself in the shoes of the actors.. The film may frustrate the audience, being that it is slow and meandering at times, ambiguous, and unresolved. This reveals the brilliance of its direction. The audience will feel what the characters themselves feel. This is the entire intention of the film. It highlights the frustration and disappointment that some feel in this world. It shows that even though there may be someone in this world with whom we could connect--sometimes that connection is not possible.

the film shows how much friendship can mean and be appreciated when one really needs it.. in the film, its really a win-win situation when both characters embark on a "soul-searching" mission--to find themselves..

the final scene between bob and Charlotte is really the most touching scenes i've ever seen in the multiplex.. it is when they part, and its really the climax of the show.. having painstaking built up their friendship since the day they got to know each other, the bond between them is so intense, so intricately weaved, that when they are about to go their separate ways(bob is due to return to america), all is about to be lost.. the times they've spent together, the fun they've shared, the tears they shed.. memories that'll forever be etched in their hearts, similarly, in the audience's.. the audience is kept in the dark what bob wispered to charlotte at the end.. tomorrow, they'll carry on their lives as usual, and this wonderful time spent together would only form a part of their memories.. they will lose contact totally, and will never meet again..

this role fits Murray like his own skin.. A middle-aged burnout who sees no challenges on his horizon gradually changes into a man revitalized by another alienated soul.. His comic touch enriches the character with a self-deprecating wit and, in a few sequences, a rubbery physicality that earns sustained laughs.,

also, we're captivated by the beautiful Scarlett Johansson, who carried out her role with such flair and grace.. and with a certain display of translucency, that somehow helps to bring the story to life.. whatever she feels inside, can be seen as it is radiated by her facial and body expressions.. Johansson makes Charlotte's loneliness and disillusionment palpable as the woman is cut off from life in ways she never imagined..

also, other than the issue of isolation, "Lost in Translation" is a powerful and insightful film about one of the most fundamental of personal inquiries--purpose.. it has this catartic effect as it brings to surface the audience own feelings of finding themselves, as what they are watching on the screen may be parallel to their innermost feelings.. In other words, it is a movie about soul searching. Virtually all of us, at some point in time, will ponder our place in this world--asking who we are, what we are supposed to do, and with whom we are supposed to be. Most individuals likely do not have to struggle with this question, either because they do not care, or because they simply occupy themselves with the routine and mundane fascinations of daily life, ignoring the deeper and more troubling nature of their existence. For others, however, the question of purpose in life can be a haunting, even paralyzing, burden. For those individuals who have personally felt this weight, it feels as if you are lost in the world. You do not know who you are, where you are going, or what you want. You feel melancholic, listless, and numb. You are not amused by the small trappings of daily life. And you want nothing more than to break out of the routine, and find your way. But, because finding the way is so difficult, you often drown yourself in sorrow and doubt.

thanks, Sofia Coppola, for creating one of the most inspiring films ever..


i'm back.. erm not back blogging i mean.. haha.. i mean that julian's back.. during the course of the week, i've done alot of thinking, reflecting and pondering.. i'm already 90% recovered, and mentally i'm almost back to the spirited, driven julian of the past.. i've just realized that i've not been myself for the whole of last year, spiritually.. i'm physically in cjc, but my heart was still in my alma mater, sji.. i was here, but not really here.. perhaps reality has finally sunk in, and i feel the need to move on..

inspired by thoughts flashing thru my mind.. thoughts of happier days in my life--laughing friends around me, my wonderful family, scenes of Scandinavia keep running thru my mind.. these thoughts have lifted me.. i'm inspired.. i now look at things in a positive light.. i believe that if there's a will, there'll be a way..

i'm back, stronger.. these trials and tribulations in life only serve to toughen one's soul, empowering one's mind.. its important how we pick up from failures and disappointments.. for me, i've recovered, both physically and spiritually, and is keen to take on life's challenges.. i've risen from the ashes..

the three things that would take precedence this year are: firstly, studies; secondly, friendship and lastly, god..

studying has always been a chore for me.. i dread reading notes.. i've not studied for more than 30 mins since the promos, when the longest i've studied was 2 hrs.. the longest i've studied in my whole entire life is 3 hrs? haha.. i dread the bore of studying.. put simply, i hate studying.. this must be reversed.

however i feel that what i'm lacking is firstly the spark of activation energy .. once i've started with my work i'm sure that things would go smoothly.. the problem is getting started.. :P my second deficiency is the thirst for learning.. everyone knows themselves best.. everybody are aware of their own intelligence, their capabilities.. we know what we're capable of.. we set our own heights.. our aims are only limited by our imagination.. i've not been pushing myself.. my grades are mediocre, to say the least.. i've been skiving, skimping thru jc life.. i MUST start challenging myself, for i feel that that is the noblest form of competition, although it can prove trying.. its meaningless to pit oneself against others.. it'll only breed negative competition.. we should compare with ourselves and ask ourselves if what we've achieved is of our true ability.. we must always challenge the boundaries of our abilities.. its okie if we've tried our best and failed.. but personally i feel its a crying shame, to regret not giving it our everything, and fail..

i will strive to be a perfectionist.. i must not stand for imperfection.. everything has to be understood.. leave no stone unturned.. arghhh..

at the end of the day.. we kneel on ground.. we must know, that every good things come from HIM.. our success, happiness, spirit etc.. we should appreciate what he has endowed in us.. we should feel fortunate.. we're blessed with such wonderful gifts.. we should use these gifts as instruments for making this world a better place..


haha so happy for my frens and classmates.. the CTs would be over tmr! i'm sure the teachers would be fair, and give them the results they deserve.. finally they can think about other things other than tower karsts, koppies, MRP theory, keynes, alliteration, manus etc.. haha.. hope i can meet jason, jaricson and the rest of the class ppl tmr, althou i'm meeting yg later at 1.. hmmm actually decided to have lunch at KOKA but nvm haha.. saving money.. hehe so fast food it is! hehe..

hmmm.. for me, the battle starts now.. it only ends after the A's.. its about time i brought my studies back on track.. many ppl think that i've no problem with my studies.. but i know myself best.. i can only say i'm satisfied when i've realized my potential..

the problem with me is that i like to do things my way.. i like to have it carte blanche.. i only like to do things that i like to do, and when i like to do it.. but often in life we realize that many significant events are things we dread to do..

each of us possess this influence that affects people around us.. many ppl dun realize it, but it is present, whether we affect our peers positively or negatively, to various degrees, we do affect each other.. i hope to use my influence to push my frens, in this relentless pursuit of perfection in our academic studies.. but first i've to stop slacking..

Soccer feast tonite!:
17:00 FK Teplice v Celtic
19:10 Levski_Sofia v Liverpool
20:15 Barcelona v Brondby
(times in GMT)

au revoir


Finding myself: plunged into a abyss of darkness, lost--cold--miserable--confused--unstable--struggling to find myself.. alone in the hellish vortex of battle.. surrounded by faces unfamiliar, unknown.. unable to reason.. cold limbs reaching out.. the air is dense, the stench of disease.. i'm alone.. stinging sensations pulsating thru my body.. arghhh!! life, ebbing away.. its not far away..

rising from the ashes.. can i once again restore my soul? the last week had totally sapped my energy.. feel soo drained.. exhausted.. worse, i achieved nothing.. absolutely zilch.. my school work this year is already shite.. now this.. haix.. spent all my energy trying to recover from that god-damned asthma attack.. i could've been taking my CTs now, if not for this.. ppl who think im so lucky to 'escape' from the CTs should think again.. give me the CTs anytime--just release me from this hell-hole! ``the nights spent shifting uncomfortably on my bed, sweating, breathless-ness, gasping for air, losing faith in myself.. the ordeal suffered when i'm on those damn steriods.. those round things only has this placebo effect.. it temporarily allows me to feel good.. feel high.. i lose all my senses when i'm on it..

sorry if i dun make sense.. 'cuz wad i write here is parallel to what i'm going thru now.. i'm just basically rambling nonsensical stuff.. i'm just finding an outlet to release all this pent up emotions within me.. i'm about to be shattered into smithereens.. only then, my soul would be released..

"of all the wonders that i yet have heard
it seems to me most strange that men should fear
seeing that death, a necessary end,
will come when it will come"--shakespeare's julius caesar


wow i managed to do this in 4 secs!
I did it in 4 seconds.
I deserved an A++!!
Take the How Dexterous Are You? Quiz!!


"Love is like a butterfly.. hold it lightly, and it'll fly away.. hold it too tightly, and it'll be crushed.." i guess this sums up love.. it is just so complicated.. one cannot fully understand love.. he/she can only experience bits and pieces of it, when he/she is in love.. of course, it'll strike the person's emotions, and then we can say he/she is "in love".. but, experiencing and understanding are two different things altogether, worlds apart.. sure, one can feel what is love, i'm sure everyone can, cynics aside.. but if we were to break down out emotions about love, and try to understand it, and ask ourselves questions like "why do i fall in love?" or "what causes love to diminish?" we're dumbfounded..

since i became single, i've been a shadow of my former self, at least in my inner thoughts.. outside, on the surface, i appear strong, firm and happy with what i have.. i tried to smile and laugh.. but inside me, i am engulfed in flames.. my soul is being consumed by sadness and other hues of negative emotions.. it is because of my nature.. i prefer to bottle up my feelings, and would rather not trouble my frens with my problems, and suffer alone.. hehe i pity the readers of this blog, as they've to bear with my problems, as this is the only outlet where i can pour out my feelings.. i felt no difference when i got 2/25 for my geog test and when i got 30/30 for my maths test.. maybe i've some psychological problems.. but i think that its because i find difficulties in feeling happy.. my mind is in nowhere.. it has been drifting, swaying, without any form of control or pattern.. i tried to be strong.. now, my heart is weary, and i finally realise that i can't take it all in anymore.. i'm going to falter, fall any moment.. i've got to find a way to release all this problems that have been troubling me-quickly..



Gracious.. another wasted weekend.. did absolutely NOTHING towards my studies.. if this carries on i'll surely flunk my promos.. i just dunno where to start! fri: teacher's day celebration.. after that, i went out with yg, jingliang, edwin and xp for lunch at Seoul garden.. hehe.. had not been there since last year, on my birthday.. really stuffed myself silly.. the guys were quite impressed with my stomach's capacity! keke.. i had fun..

but on a serious note, looking back, time really flies.. it seems only like yesterday when i was celebrating my birthday at the same place with yg, jingliang, jem and eve.. what shd one achieve in order to have a fulfilling life? from my pt of view, tink that we shouldn't let our life just ebb away.. we're only young once.. we must truly treasure our life, and those ard us.. we must live life without regrets.. now that i'm 17, i've got the feeling that i've matured, not only physically, but more importantly, mentally and psychologically.. having experienced so much, whether problems or joyous moments, has been instrumental in moulding me into what i am now.. i've attained maturity in thought.. i now finally understand what is wisdom, and that life can't be simply explained or written in a book.. one must experience it, feel it, embrace it, in order to fully comprehend..

for me, the year starts on my birthday, and ends on my birthday the next year -- strange rite? hehe.. i'm a weird person.. and i mean it! even when it comes to studying methods.. so when my frens seek advice from me on how to study properly, i would tell them to find the method that is most effective, efficient and most importantly, it must suit them.. studying is not about how hard you study, but rather how examsmart are u studying.. yeah.. and it must not only suit you, it must suit the education system you're in.. i would rather not tell my friends my studying methods.. like my thinking, my studying methods are strange, unorthodox.. simply put, its unconventional.. haha maybe i am thinking out of the box! :P hehe..

sat: my class had flag selling that day.. supposed to to at toa payoh mrt.. i was late, but i felt i was early, as there were many ppl who arrived later than me.. hehe.. its comparative! hmmm i spent the 5 hrs with jason, jaricson, cherie and lyn.. we slacked at first, at bk.. then we finally garnered enough guts to actually start selling flags.. hehe.. it was so strange.. when we didn't ask people to donate, they did it willing.. but when we actually started asking, they turned us down.. hehe maybe next time we should just stand at a corner, and look cool..

sun: met my pw grp members-jolene, pearlene and shila at starbucks fareast.. hehe.. after my lunch and the laptop's power shutdown, we decided to go to pearlene's house, near novena.. it was rather productive, i would say.. i also contributed abit to our 2nd draft.. hmmm.. hope we can churn out a great report..

well.. back to school tmr (xian).. hehe.. nvm.. at least my brain system will switch into the studying mode.. hehe.. my teachers will force me to get out of this slum i'm in now, dreaming and lazing always.. looking back, this has not been a bad year.. yes, it ran into rough times, like in other years, but i guess overall it was quite fruitful and enriching for the mind.. i had my first girlfriend, and i lost her.. oh well.. i shouldn't dwell on it.. we must hold on to the things that we have.. if we lose it, it'll be gone forever, into obscurity, for eternity.. we will not be able to once again hold it in our hands.. the only thing we can do, is to regret and cry.. therefore we should start treasuring everything around us!


How many people are actually transparent? transparent in a sense that these people are what they are.. their behaviour is truly a reflection of themselves, and therefore it is parallel to their character and their emotions.. however, these people are an endangering breed.. its kinda rare to find someone who is so pure and transparent..

Because of the increased emphasis placed on one's image in public, most people around us put on masks--they're not who they actually are.. they put much effort into maintaining and improving their public persona, that they neglect to develop their own character.. these people, are know to some, as "fake" persons.. is caring about how people view you so important? Is appearance more important than reality? Is maintaining one's image so important that one hides his/her emotions when faced with different situations; alters his/her reactions to please people? these people would not want to taint the good image of themselves they've built arduously.. these people aren't sincere, totally not genuine.. they are not speaking from their hearts, but rather what they say has been changed and filtered so that it'll be in line with their appearance.. their aim is to please, placate, not speak their minds.. they want to portray themselves as good, sincere (ironic), humorous and caring people.. but just how much of this is actually real? Haha.. maybe its natural to put on masks.. but wouldn't these people that are engrossed with maintaining their persona feel tired of it all? Tired of putting up a false front.. tired of being not who they are.. why can't people be more like themselves? Is it so difficult? Is it impossible? Dunno.. just can't stand people who are so fake.. but who am i to judge people, anyway? :-)



"who am i?" over the last few days, i've been asking myself this question.. somehow, i'm not able to answer it.. when my friends ask me about the character of somebody else, i can provide an relatively accurate answer, but when they ask me about myself, i'll have great difficulties even thinking of what i am.. maybe i'm struggling with an identity crisis.. i dun even know what kind of person i am.. i am not aware of my strengths and weaknesses.. haix.. what postition am i in to judge people, if i dun even know myself.. maybe my friends are a reflection of my self, and i'll find out more about myself through them.. hmmm


today was such a low-key day.. i woke up in the morning, but didn't want to attend school.. cuz i was dead beat, and the lessons would end at 5:10.. hehe.. but i tink fate has it that i will not attend school today.. the sch plunged into darkness from yest nite, cuz of a power failure.. hehe.. after several attempts in vain to put the power back online, they decided to release us early.. hehe i heard from my friends later at 1pm that the power resumed.. felt damn lucky cuz we were released before it came back on, otherwise, we would be still in sch till 5:10.. went to town with my friends- yaoguang, jaric, yongteng, seb, nick.. ate at kfc's.. saw someone there! haha.. stupid yg and jaric were so obvious lor.. liew.. i wanna have a low-profile life in cjc, and now its being undermined.. after buying stationaries at popular, we decided to call it a day, and go home to sleep.. i juz woke up.. i guess i slept about 5 hrs? shoik man.. later muz try to do some work.. "stop procastinating Julx!"


hehe.. today was basically a very exhausting day.. i'm now totally drained.. hehe.. pe in the morning.. our class played captain's ball! haha.. i had a very violent game.. i tackled the opposition (izzit allowed?), broke my right 4th finger nail.. it broke when i tried to tackle hui shan.. haha.. luckily i managed to peel it off without much agony.. but fell down trice, scraped my both knees.. now damn pain.. arghhh... hehe i muz tahan and still go to sch through the pain barrier.. the only highlight of the day was getting good grades for my differentiation test.. i got 30/30! hehe cheryl was quite pissed cuz i told her i might fail.. :p haha hope she passes so she can get back her hp.. hehe.. went to far east to have my elixir-coffee frappucino from Starbucks! hehe i also helped cherie collect her photos.. hehe.. i guess diff ppl work differently.. i find night study quite unproductive.. hehe.. but working at home isn't much better.. hehe damn tired.. but tmr muz try my best to go to sch.. hehe.. got motivation.. so not bad.. sch sucks till the extent that that is the only thing i look fwd to is that.. hehe cya guys tmr!


"Love? it is the central emotion of all human beings.. it influences our thoughts.. it is able to give us a deeper scope of our feelings other emotions fail to do so.. it allows us to realize the depths of our emotions.. it allows us to understand ourselves better.. one can be enchanted by love.. conversely, the deeper the love, the more it'll hurt when it ends in tears.. so why love? its worth the pain and agony i guess.. love can change us, it can bring our humanity to a higher level.. touched once by love, and we'll become totally different persons.. i tink its a feeling that is inexpressible by mere words.. only our hearts can embrace and express our thoughts perfectly.." --Julian Tan


hehe this is my 1st official post! hehe.. today waz a gr8 dae! yupz~! went out for T13's first ever class outing! hahaha~ really had a whale of a time.. hehe cud really unwind and temporarily escape from harsh reality.. hehe i managed to put everything aside.. school work, tests (i'll flunk my geo test surely, EC. still got hope though) , band, probs etc.. hehe.. felt really free, really light, like a bird that has juz been released from its confining cage.. ahh.. i guess these class outings would be instrumental in fostering a class spirit and inculcating a sense of belonging.. it allows us to know each other beta, more than juz wad we're in sch.. cuz i'm sure everyone of us behaves differently outside curriculum time.. hehe..

the attendance was reasonably satisfactory, considering our class' absentee rate( haha ;p).. hmmm lets see who went.. jaric, jason, cherie, tavia, rong, lyn, martin, niven, jose, vyasa, pearlene, hui shan, jolene, emelind & myself.. thats 15/23 - 65.21%! can feel that our class is somehow finally gelling together.. all the clicks are interacting with each other.. hehe.. i can't ask for more.. every class has its pros and cons.. overall, this class is great, and i really hope that everyone can get promoted together! hehe so we muz buck up and start getting serious from NOW! haha (esp myself) muz raise myself from the doldrums and work towards my target and aims.. hehe..

we muz prove to everybody that although we're in cjc, we are capable of matching the academic standards of other jcs, or even outperforming them.. we muz work to erase this stereotyping that ppl normally have of cjc.. i realised that if we want others to respect cjc, we, as its students, we must firstly be proud of where we come from, and not to feel ashamed to announce that we're from cjc.. secondly, we muz work hard to further raise the academic performance of cjc.. only then, we will be fairly judged among the other jcs..

haha.. i must first stop my habit of procastination.. this disease has been plaguing me for a long time.. only if i can rid myself of it, can i realize my aims.. otherwise, it would be beyond reach.. i just need the activation energy to start studying.. once it's present, i guess everything would be smooth, and studying would not be a problem.. hehe..

julian tan
250786
ex saps, sji, cjcian
clarinettist
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